being me, (again)...

Uncertain, unfocused, no confidence,
no abilities, no chance to succeed,
I tumble so easily, quickly
from a moment of doubt
into nothingness,
from an anxious thought to a depressed being.
Immobilized by a mental process so swift
that I am at the end of it 
before I can identify the entry point.
A challenge to analyze this,
it does not logically reverse itself,
it requires slowly crawling back
through the darkness that envelopes me.


There have been times of no light, not a sliver,
those have been the hardest,
nonfunctional, wishing the days away
as only sleep, unconsciousness
brought some comfort, solace.
Mindless television shows,
background noise, senseless voices,
I lived in that place,
survived it somehow.

The return journey took all my energy,
to stand, place one foot in front
and drag the other to meet it,
lost in the struggle to move an inch.
A tiny glimmer appeared,
at first it quivered,
not knowing whether it would extinguish,
at its mercy for stability,
time was still,
a minute an hour, a day forever,
finally it was constant.

I left the house, my safety net/my prison,
the sun seemed too bright,
I looked pale, thin,
I wore black for many days,
no capacity for other decisions.
At work, I stared at pages for prolonged times,
processing the words difficult,
I rarely ventured from my small office
as conversation drained me.
At home, I collapsed into bed and slept,
it was afternoon, but I did not care.
I awoke briefly to eat something tasteless,
and drifted into med induced slumber,
to repeat it all the next day and the next day, etc.

Until a day came and I decided to wear a color,
a day or so later, I exchanged a few words with a co-worker.
It became less a chore,
occasionally the corners of my mouth turning up slightly, 
a smile?
I remembered the other parts of me,
neglected for so long,
I felt myself filling in the empty spaces
of the shell I had become.
I walked more loosely, talked more freely,
I still looked back, fearing the pit,
But mostly, I looked forward,
on my way to being me,
(again).

a point of light...
photo by author